I want to change. I will change.

Repentance is a holy ocean in which if we take a dip our souls become purer. Right now I am taking dips in this ocean to ask forgiveness for my mistakes. This blog post describes the thoughts and feelings I am experiencing in this journey of improving myself. I want to change. I will change.

Recently I am facing a few problems mentally and I am in dilemma and confusions. I discussed these issues with my close friends at Stony Brook – Ayon Chakraborty and Rathish Das. Ayon and Rathish identified a lot of mistakes and flaws in me that were the root causes for my problems. Here I describe the major character flaws in me that are responsible for my problems. I thank Ayon and Rathish from the bottom of my heart to have given me an opportunity to improve myself. I am eternally grateful to them.

I have arrogance and ego
Arrogance is defined as “overbearing pride”. I have arrogance that I am superior than many others. I have ego that I have achieved something. These feelings of superiority over others is clearly depicted in the ways I talk, I write, and I behave.

I need to change. Ayon said beautiful words (paraphrased): “We are nothing. There are several people who are better than us in thinking, there are several people who are better than us in action, and there are several people who are better than us in characters. What have we done till now? What have we achieved till now? We are nothing.” I think I was living the wrong way till now. Maybe I confused confidence with arrogance. Or may be over-confidence led me to arrogance and ego. Or may be the feeling that I have a lot of knowledge and that I have read a lot of books led me to this arrogance and ego. I don’t know. But, right now I am ashamed, lowered in self-esteem, embarassed, disappointed, sad, and feeling guilty to have been the host of all these devilish characters. I have been crying to wash off these evil characters in the form of tears. I want to change. Accepting that I have a lot of flaws and negative characters is the first step to improvement. I want to change. I will change.

I did not realize that my words (spoken or written) or my behavior might have hurt people. How can I hurt people? That is bad. All raw knowledge that I have gained till now is totally worthless and I am worthless if I cannot make people around me happy. I have done a crime I think by hurting people through my words. I would like to ask sorry to everyone whom I have hurt intentionally or unintentionally. Just that most of my life I have spent in reading and studying and I lack people skills. The bad education system too did not teach me how to live and make everyone happy. But, majorly it is my mistake that I did not understand / realize the importance of all these great characters. I want to change. I will change.

How do I want to implement this change? I think there are many ways in which I could reduce my arrogance and try to squash my ego.

  • I might use fewer words from now on and focus more on listening to the other person because if I talk too much I might show off knowledge.
  • I might want to meditate for a couple of minutes in the morning and think “I am nothing”.
  • I might want to think that every person I talk/write to is a God/Goddess of x and my aim should be to find out x.
  • I might not be wanting to say things because if I talk I go on and on and on, which is bad.
  • I might want to cut short or completely remove my stories because then I will not be using the term “I” often and that might lead to less ego.

I am not caring
I listen to others’ stories and emotions but I do not care. Even if I do care, I do not express.

I need to change. Ayon said beautiful words (paraphrased): “When you sense that people are in trouble, call immediately. When you communicate with someone, you need to be more open-minded about what the other person is sensing and feeling.” Rathish reiterated the same idea. Yes. I am an asshole. I should have been a better listener and genuinely interested in what others feel and experience. In my childhood and a big part of my life I had two or three good human friends. The closest of the closest real friends of me were books. Hence, I spent more time in studying books than understanding people. This is the reason I lack people skills. But, I see that there is a severe problem and I need to solve the problem. I want to change. I will change.

How do I want to implement this change?

  • I will be genuinely interested in others’ feelings, emotions, and stories.
  • I will genuinely care for others’ aspirations and dreams.
  • I will forget my dreams when I talk because I might not care for the others’ stories.

I write very detailed emails or messages
My mails / messages are verbose. They have a lot of words.

I need to change. Ayon said beautiful words (paraphrased): “Verbose is bad. Though you might want to share a lot of information and details, other person reading that information might feel that they have to read novels. The connection just does not happen in such case. Be consise and precise. Don’t write research papers.” I might be interested in deep information share. But, most people are not interested in such detailed analysis on issues / concepts / ideas and these detailed messages / emails simply wards them off. I need to understand to what depth the other person is interested in and release only that amount of information and not write novels.

How do I want to implement this change?

  • I might reduce the details in my email or message replies drastically, unless truly required for the situation.
  • I will keep my analysis and details only in my blog posts (as this is my true character) and not in the talks / emails / messages (whatever makes people happy).

I use slang words
I use a lot of slang words in day-to-day communication.

I need to change. Ayon said beautiful words (paraphrased): “Using slang words for fun with male friends is quite common but using them in day-to-day communication is bad because people come from different cultures and they might not take them lightly. It does not matter what the intention is, it matters how people perceive such words. Hence, use soft, soothing, and cool words. Our words should bring happiness to people.” Rathish also said the same thing again and again. I agree. I should not use words that might hurt people even unintentionally. I need to learn more books on people skills and I will do it. I want to change. I will change.

If I have hurt anyone I want to ask sorry from the bottom of my heart. I would be extremely grateful if you could identify character flaws in me so that I improve myself. Now I have accepted that I have a lot of flaws and mistakes, repented for them, and decided to change, my mind is happy and calm at last. Repent and work for change is the way. Let everyone be happy. Enjoy!

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